The Toddler's Playbook for Driving Mom Around the Bend

1. Always, ALWAYS wait until you've been in a fresh diaper for 5 minutes before pooping in it.
2. Step on mommy's bare foot and grind it with the high-heeled plastic princess shoes until she shrieks in pain.
3. Preferably, step 2 should be executed as she's trying to fix supper. After you get off her foot, stay UNDER her feet so that she nearly falls and drops hot food or sharp knives on you, all the while, continuing to whine that you're hungry or thirsty.
4. When you're finally sitting at the table for a meal that took mommy 3 hours to make (but would have only taken 45 minutes if you hadn't been practicing steps 2 and 3, above), spit out the food in disgust as if she has served you cigar butts in bile.
5. After rejecting your meal, wait until you've been in the car for about 15 minutes before telling mom that you're SOOOOO hungry. Repeat this mantra approximately 47 times in varying degrees of whining and drama and in increasing decibels until she exasperatedly tells you that if you don't be quiet you're going to make her wreck the car.
6. Other road trip strategies: Wait until you're on the interstate to screech that you have to use the potty and that you can't wait.
7. After your baby brother has screamed his head off for 30 minutes in the carseat and finally goes to sleep, watch to see when mommy's shoulders relax and the tenseness leave her face. Then, begin pinching your sibling until he wails. Then for good measure, if the baby isn't already awake from the wailing, poke him so that he begins screaming all over again.
8. When you're playing quietly with your sibling, make sure that if mommy slips away to make a phone call, you QUICKLY run to find her, then begin a fracas that makes the Great War sound like a fox hunt in Virginia so that she has to hang up.
9. Whine, whine, and whine some more. You should aim for at least 10 out of your 12 waking hours.
10. When you're not whining, if you talk, talk so much that mommy wishes for earplugs. If you don't talk, spend the remaining 2 hours emitting paint-peeling screeches.
11. Wait until she sits down to nurse the baby before bringing her a book to read or saying "up" pathetically so that she feels guilty, even though you refused her offers to sit on her lap and read just 10 minutes before.
12. When you get off mommy's lap, make sure you use your elbow in her chest as a catapult to launch off so that she has to restrain herself from throwing you across the room.
13. Despite the playroom full of fun, creative, and educational toys you have, opt to play with the door, either the swinging door or the bi-fold closet door, until you or your sibling pinches a finger or gets shut in (or out) of the room. Both result in bellowing with pain and frustration (from you AND mom).
14. After disdaining the above-mentioned toys and the art-supplies-of-many-pieces, become suddenly and unwaveringly interested in them when mom tries to put them away. Dump out baskets, unshelf books, and scatter puzzle pieces as quickly as she puts them away. This keeps the house in a constant state of disaster and mom in a constant state of agitation.
15. Reject the really cool cityscape playmat that mommy bought for you and choose instead to run your cars on the furniture, leaving black tire marks and scratches on everything.
16. After you beg for several hours to go outside and mommy gets you dressed and sends you out with daddy, wait 13 minutes, then beg to come back inside. This is especially effective in the winter when it takes her a half hour to get snowsuits and hats and gloves and boots on, but it also works in warmer weather. Running through the sprinkler for 10 minutes still means she has to peel off and deal with wet swimsuits, and it only takes 45 seconds to fill your hair, pockets, and shoes with sand.
17. Sunday mornings are the best time to puke down mommy's cleavage, poop up your back (preferably after you've been put in your carseat so it can't be discovered till you're already at church and so it gets all over mommy's church clothes when she unwittingly lifts you out of your carseat),  throw temper tantrums, stomp in muddy puddles (if you go this route, make sure there is at least one adult and/or a sibling standing nearby to make it most effective), and generally act like a savage.
18. Speaking of Sundays, save your most appalling behaviors for public places, particularly church. Shame, embarrassment, and outrage are huge demoralizers. Be creative in your efforts. One toddler, who shall remain nameless, leaned forward and blew a huge raspberry on his sister's arm in a quiet church. In spite of all their desperate wishing, floors do not open up and swallow mommies.
19. If you want to add a polishing touch to your performances, drop your die-cast cars or large wooden trucks on the oak floors so that it sounds like a garbage dumpster falling from the tenth storey. This is a sure way to completely unravel your mom's already frayed nerves.
20. If you need a vacation from your mom, make her repeat the same thing 89 times per day (i.e, "Don't grab toys from your brother." "Do NOT bite your sister."). Do this for weeks on end. Persistence pays, and she WILL eventually end up in a padded room.
21. If you cannot ruin your own clothes with foods like blackberries because mommy has cleverly made you eat naked, ruin HER clothes by swiping purple hands on her before she can catch your arms. If she's quick and gets your arms, lean in and smear your face on her. This will bring a mom to tears if she only has 2 outfits to wear since she hasn't lost her baby weight.
22. At night when mom tucks you in bed, throw your dimpled, chubby arms around her neck and squeeze her hard. Say "I love you mommy!" and "You're reewy my best fend!" so that she feels guilty for telling you how aggravating you're being and for THINKING that she'd like to pinch your head off and she'll vow to be a more patient mommy tomorrow.
23. Repeat steps 1-22 ad infinitum. If you play it just right, there will be no more future siblings to detract from the already divided attention you unfairly receive.